I am not really sure why not; was I always that afraid of letting people I know see how I process my thoughts? Perhaps…But time has passed, I am now older (42 this year! Wow, how did that happen?), I have spent a lot of time in recent years getting to know myself, and learning to like, value and respect myself.
Nowadays, I quite like myself.
It’s a short sentence, but a powerful one for me. The concept of ‘quite liking’ myself is that of applying a positive judgment – a previously alien concept to me. So many things about that are hard for me, and scratch against the values I held throughout earlier phases of my life. We all struggle with reconciling the conditions of worth pushed onto us in childhood with those of our authentic selves. The self that marries our head, our heart and our gut; our three ‘centres of feeling’ that don’t always work in alignment.
For me, my ‘centres’ have rarely worked together in the past, leading to a lifelong feeling of internal dissonance. One that has manifested itself in many detrimental ways; most notably – ongoing chronic illnesses (mental and physical), and a struggle to achieve satisfaction in relationships and life choices. No wonder I chose to hit the STOP button, right?
I reached my breaking point about six years ago. I let go (threw away, violently, actually) an old way of life. You name it, I either lost it or threw it away. I was exhausted, broken, and I wanted no more of anything. I wanted an end to it all. No metaphor there.
I shut down. I hid. I slept a lot,and ate a lot, cried a lot. I entered therapy a year later, made my first breakthrough (it’s breakTHROUGH, not breakdown!) a year later still , started counsellor training a year after that, and ever since, I have continued slowly and steadily with the therapy, the training, the learning the ‘breakthrough’s (and the crying – I love the crying – please don’t let the crying ever stop!) Throughout that time my pace has changed – sometimes I move slowly, sometimes I move quickly. The interesting thing i that even when I feel as though I am standing still, the earth keeps turning and so – by default – I keep moving.
And so my relationship with myself has moved (as has my relationship with sentences that begin with ‘and’ — after a previous aversion I quite like them nowadays, can you tell?)
The main part of my work – in my personal therapy, in my psychology training, in my professional practice – the really REALLY hard part of my work (way harder than academic work, than business sense, than any of the other stuff that goes into creating a ‘career, as such’) – has been the job of bringing myself into balance, into an alignment of sorts. Of listening to myself and really hearing, really tuning in to the real song. It has been harder than I can find words for. It is also an ongoing job. One I will always be working on.
It is not an easy thing, getting in touch with yourself. For me, it has taken a lot of learning, and takes a whole of practise, and truthfully – I still have a long way to go in my relationship. But I use a variety of techniques to connect me, and to keep me connected – therapy, meditation, artwork, listening to music, walking… just as in our every day lives we use so many different ways of staying connected to each other, our families, our colleagues – talking, touching, phones, online communication,being busy together, being peaceful together etc…
So I guess that this is another one of them. Writing. Publishing myself online, for all the world to see. For me, it feels as though it’s a step onwards from journalling.
My natural introverted self has journalled for a long time now (it forms a major part of the therapist training – thank goodness for such a valuable learning tool!). Over the years I have both loved it and hated it, but have always found it incredibly useful for keeping myself connected to a place where I can be open to myself.
So now I am reaching a point where I am ready to invite some of the world in to that place. I don’t feel I need to keep the feelings so private. Am I losing some of the shame and embarrassment I have always felt about being me?
I think that maybe I am. I think that maybe my client work has taught me that we all have more uniting us than separating us; and that being brave, baring ourselves in our truest form is how we nurture that connection. The connection with each other that we all (yes, even the most solitary of souls) need.
So here I am. I extend my hand and my heart within this new blog. I hope you choose to take it.